New Shoe

27 September 2008 - Saturday - It's a very nice weather today. I have decided to buy a new pair of shoe once i get my salary for this month because the current one that i am wearing have already wornout. So i wake up and get ready to go out toget my new pair of shoe and since today i need to go over to my brother's place to pass him my hard disk to fix. So i went over to Marina Square and look for my new pair of sport shoe. Then i went over to Suntec City to look for more just to compare the price. But i think most of the price will be almost the same. I have two choice in my mind either it's Puma or Adidas.

I like Puma a lot, maybe it's influence by him, but too bad that i can't find the design that i like. So i make up my mind and go over to Adidas shop to buy a pair of Adidas shoe. The shoe is suitable for both training and casual wear. Like that i don't have to get another jogging shoe. The shoe cost me $99 and i think that it's worth it because if i can take good care of the shoe then i can wear for quiet some time. The design is black and white, my favourite colour and not so complicated. Like what he usually said you have to find a design that can wear for all time. Because if you find those design that is too complicated or maybe just suitable for this season then it will be a waste. There is a lot of this that i have learn from him and now only i finds it usefull.

After buying the shoe i went over to MPH planning to get some magazine for him but end up putting the magazine back on the shelf. Because i also plan to get myself some new cloths. I am still struggling inside wether i should get the magazine and send it over to him or i just treat myself better and get some new cloths. After all this i went over to my brother place and pass him my external hard disk and wait to have dinner with them. After having dinner i went home. I realise that there is a lot of places that i went together with him in Suntec City and Marina Square. That brings back memories.

When i reach home and while taking my shower i make up my mind to buy the magazines and send it over to him, hopefully that he knows that i still care and also it's my promise to him that i will buy those magazines for him every month. Hope that he will know that i still have my heart for him. So since i have plan to buy the magazines for him then i will not buy any new cloths, since my mom will be coming back next month. I will have more new cloths soon. That's it for today....

Planning

After so many things have happen to me, i have decided that i have to totaly change myself. I need to face the problem that i have created. I can't run away from it. I got to be strong. Although i know that the chances of me being together with him again is 0% but i will proof to him that i will be more mature and i will take responsible of what i have done. I still miss him very much as usual. And i will not throw it away as i know that i love him very much. My love for him will never change and he will be forever in my heart till my last breath.

It's sunday today and nothing much to do at home. Don't have the mood to do my freelance. After things happen, i prefer staying at home more. Not like last time, like to go here and there trying to explore. I will control my life more in the future because what he said about me is true. I am just too wild. So nothing much after waking up around 11pm went out to the living room and watch TV with the thai girl(house mate). Then around 12pm we went out to hougang festival mall to get our lunch. Wah don't know why today eat quiet a bit. I take-away economic rice and also chee cheong fun. Normally weekend i will have not much appetite to eat but today don't know what happen. Just feel like eating.

Ok i think this is quiet boring, i will continue with my planning. This evening i called my sister and we are planning to get a car for my parents as they will be coming back next month. So they need a car to get around. What i am planning is after getting the car for my parents then i will plan of getting a new tablet PC/laptop. The model that i am interested in is HP TX2032AU. I think the price range will be around S$1300. Am waiting for the answer from my brother as i have ask him to check for me. It's a tablet so that it will be much more easier for me to do my freelance. I would like to invest in this because really planning to get more freelance job. Like what he told me, i really have to plan for my future and the calculation that he told me before really give me a shock. That is why i need to plan more. As he ask me to be more mature, i will be more mature. After getting my new laptop will plan to learn more on my webdesign skill. He is right, I graduate in this field, if i don't do this then it will be a waste of money. That is why i plan to polish my skill in webdesign. Will get more book and online to find more information about this. Hope that i can get my first job.

Currently helping one of my colleague on her website for her proffessor. So will start from here and then will look for more ler. Well that is my planning for now. Wish me all the best on finding my own success ok. Cheers...

Confuse

I don't know what i can do anymore. I am really confuse and hopeless. Two weeks have past and yet still got no reply from him and he does not even want to pick up my call. Guess that i have really make him angry of me. I thought that we have already talk things out that night or maybe he is just pretending. I don't know what is in his mind now. I have done everything i can. And i have also plan to go back to him but there is no answer and not reply that make me confuse whether i should resign my post here or not. Once i resign i will go back to my hometown. But what is after i have resign and yet he still does not forgive me? That is what makes me so scare and confuse. I have already told him that i don't mind giving up everything here but at least give me an answer or a reply so that i know he have already forgive me. Now without any answer or reply i really don't know what he wants me to do.

I did sms my sister and ask her to talk to him since he does not want to answer my call. But i have yet recieved any reply from my sister. I know that she will be busy with her kids and she will be starting work soon as well. I also don't want to trouble her like that but i really have no choice and i really don't know what i can do and i also don't know who i can turn to. Why is this happening to me? I know that i have done something very very wrong and i have already regret doing it in the first place. Can't i at least have one more last chance to prove that i will change totally? I know that i don't have the rights to ask for forgiveness and ask for chances but at least let me know. What i want is an answer. So that i know what i can do.

I am not getting enough sleep and not eating well and i have also loose some weight. It is suffering for me being like this. I just can't get him out of my mind no matter how tired i made myself so that i can sleep. But it's just useless. Does he have to punish me like this? Please i am just asking for one last chance, that's it.

Friends keep asking me not to wait and move one, but i can't. I love him too much to move on. It's hurting everyday and it's suffering everyday. I hate myself for destroying the love life that i treasure so much. Now i deserved all this. I really hate myself and i do think about taking away my own life. I need the answer. And i really love him a lot.