Blur

I dont know what i should do. I am very blur now. It's been the whole week already. And i have been crying for the whole week. And i even have to make myself tired everyday so that i can fall asleep whitout thinking anything but fail because no matter how tired i am he still appears in my head. I just can't help it and i don't know what to do about it.

I am getting slightly thinner due to tiredness and not enough sleep almost every night. If i keep on like this i will become crazy. I don't know what he is up to now. I know that i need to give him time to cool down. But just that i miss him too much. I have tried to relax... try to watch animation and try to read novels... but it's does not help at all. Everyone tell me to calm down, relax and don't think too much but it's impossible.

I don't know how long can i stand this. I just miss him a lot and really scare of loosing him. Am i going nuts or what. I hate myself. I hate myself for doing the wrong things in the first place. I know that i am wrong. Should i let go? And i know that i won't. Please is there someone out there that can help me?

What is love?

People keep saying that when you love something you does not really have to own that things or person. But why is it so hard for me? Why me? I know that i deserved all this for being unfaithful to him but why can he just give me the answer? I am suffering and struggling inside and i am totally lost and don't know what i should do. I really don't know.............................................

Useless me...

I really don't know don't know what i can do anymore. I find myself very annoying and useless. i just can't stop thinking about him. I have been depressed for a few days now and it seems like it's getting even more worse. Whenever i have free time or not doing anything i will start to think about him and think about what i have done to make him so angry of me. Why can't i be more strong. I love him so much and yet i still do something that make him so angry and now he is ignoring me.

My friend keep advising me not to disturb him, not to sms him or call him but i did not listen, because i really miss him a lot. I am so scare of loosing him. I am trying to think all positive things but to no avail and all the negative imagination keeps coming into my mind and i am so scare. Then think kind of things just makes me miss him more and i can't even think straight. Is there someone out there that can save me? I need help. I need help on how can i get him back. How can i win his heart back. I only need one last chance to show him that i am changing for the better. That is what i need. I have already said that i am willing to do anything and willing to give up anything just for him to forgive me and give me just one last chance.

It's hurting me so much this few days and i really don't know when i will loose control and gone insane......

I miss him very much

Feeling Sorrow

It is so painful to wait for the time pass. It's been 4 days now without any reply from him. Don't know what he is up to and my mind keep thinking that he have give up on me and look for someone better. I have tried to convince myself that he is not that type of guy. And my friends also advise me that i should not think something bad like this. But it's really hard to control. I will not think about it during my working time but all this kind of negetive thinking will come back when i am about to get to sleep.

Lying there on my bed staring up to the ceiling makes me even miss him more and without any reply from him make things even worse. I will be happy even with a simple message from him, but i guess he is still very very upset with what i have done till he is so cold towards me. There is a lot of things that i wanted to tell him, but i know that he is still in the stage of cooling down. So my friend advise me not to disturb him.

It's almost weekend and i will be staying home doing my freelance. I will be facing sorrows again this weekend as i am sure that i will think even more of him. And some more it's almost end of the month. Don't know want to go back to hometown or not. What if he does not want me to go back?

Sadness

I haven't been blogging for quiet sometime. There is a lot of things happen to me lately. Some unhappy things have been happen to me. I know that i have done a lot of mistakes that make him very very disappointed of me and i know that i have done a lot of things that have hurt him so much. When he ask me how much i love him, i can only answer that i love him very much that i wanted to spend my life with him and be with him forever. But when he ask me since i love him so much why do i still do all this kind of things to hurt him... then i don't know how to answer. I really think that i am not mature enough. I do think that i am a very bad person. I wanted to change for him. I am trying very hard to change so that he feel secure with me. I really love him very much and i am affraid to loose him. My friends told me that i deserved someone better but all i want is just him. And he will be my future husband. I am stupid right?



Sometimes i really feel that i am so stupid that i really can't let go of him. I know that he have given me a lot of chances to change myself and he is always there to teach me the correct things to do, advise me and also motivate me to improve myself. I am trying to improve myself and trying to learn as much things as i can. I know why he feels insecure about this relationship as he is in ipoh and i am here in singapore. I wanted to resign and go back to him so that he feels that i really treasure this relationship. I have told him that i will go back to ipoh and have already plan to tender my resignation letter on september. I hope that he knows that i really do treasure this relationship.



Why is it so hard to love someone. I really hope that he will give me another chance to change for the better. I have learn my lesson and only one last chance that is what i need.